Nick offerman eating pussy

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Nick Offerman. Good evening. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Nick offerman eating pussy

Good Christ, people. Minor nudity was advertised. Minor nudity achieved. Drink it in. Life can be this delicious. The left portion is the pork ribs. People often say to me… well, enough that I would remark upon it. How did this occur that you are standing on the stage of the venerated Town Hall speaking to us?

And I find that the harder I work, the more I have of it. They did this. They have been incredible teachers to me in my life. Some of my most beautiful acreage. Read the paperwork. Shit is mine. End preface. one: Engage in romantic love. I used to be made fun of in school. And I learned later that it was because the people making fun of me were nick offerman eating pussy getting any.

I knew even in school, you know. I realized one day… I was driving to work. We had been dating, and I realized I was going to marry her. And I was pissed off because I would have liked to have been consulted in the matter. But I was not. But we do not. You guys have fun. It really is. We love to stay in and read books and play cards and do puzzles.

We watch HGTV. We do a shitload of cocaine and then… and mainly focus on puzzling. We make our marriage a priority. You have to make it a priority. You have to water it and fertilize it and talk nice to it and caress it and nibble on its clitoris… with regularity. You gotta stick with it. You get the call.

Nick offerman eating pussy

I turned that shit down. For love. I think that kid that got it did a nice job. He was also very cute. I did, however, get to read for… Gimli the dwarf. My wife turned 50 a few years ago, which is a big birthday in a society that bases a lot of systems on the Do you want something special? A bauble of some sort?

You know, just make me one of your cards. I always make cards for Megan. I make her lots of gifts as well. You make us look so bad. Every time you make a card, my wife points it out to me. Please just keep looking at me. Find the paper. Take a sheet of it. Fold it in half. Draw a heart on it.

Nick offerman eating pussy

Open it up. You will get so kissed. You will be kissed so much more voluptuously than from any bullshit you can buy at the mall. Do one of your funny dances. You know what? I would love a rainbow for my birthday. NBC did not help. And I thought I was fucked until I realized an important lesson… that I could make a rainbow out of art. And so this is actually the first song I wrote.

I wrote it for my wife on her 50th birthday…. The Rainbow Song.

Nick offerman eating pussy

I recently landed in Milwaukee, Wisconsin to go… Thank you for your beer and sausage, not to mention your motherfucking cheese curds. Oh, boy. I was going to do a show in Milwaukee. And thanks to a U. I was in a rental car. I was trying to get onto a crowded highway to get to my show, and I was on a ramp that was merging with another ramp. What the fuck? I think we all know by now you take turns. No, no, no, no. You fucking kidding me? I had steam coming out my ears. And I pulled behind him, and everything changed. You, my friend, are living. It feels incredible. I just want to take a moment to point something out about the Bible.

Is the Bible full of great lessons? No question. These holy texts are rife… with morals and lessons of value about how to be decent to one another and how to share our space and our planet. You feel that? Severson liked it as well.

He was my neighbor. We got along great. Into junior high, into high school, we had a great friendship. My interpretation provided a loving friendship… between two peoples on neighboring lands. Talking to you, Gaza Strip. The permutations are endless. Nick offerman eating pussy is set in stone. Go to your club.

Nick offerman eating pussy

Go to the Bible… barn where you all get together, and talk about the lessons and learn about decency and compassion and how to treat one another. Like, just spread it out, see if it catches on. And I think we all know by now that Leviticus is the most fucked-up book in the Old Testament.

Leviticus, of course, is the book that details the punishments for menstruating women. If you like comedy, go home and curl up with Leviticus. The writers of The Onion are handed Leviticus when they show up for work the first day. If she sits in a chair, the chair is fucked. This is the Bible, you guys. The fuck? Do not fret, ladies. If you should be so filthy… there is hope in Leviticus. You may be exonerated if you bring two turtles to the priest at the temple. What the fuck is that?

What value did turtles once possess that we have no record of? I love… I love animals. I love nature. But I have torn open so many fucking turtles, looking for a pearl or… ambergris or spermaceti. And I love to imagine these dicks that wrote the Book of Leviticus hanging out at the temple. Steve wrote that part. He just loves turtles. Money or fucking wine, bro.

You know what, Steve? Go… press some more olives. Considered lower even than the Gnostics. Leviticus is also one of the places in the Bible that tells us homosexuality is an abomination. They must be put to death. It fucking says that in the Bible. I disagree with nick offerman eating pussy notion. Just give me one second, please. Two turtles to the temple, and she may be exonerated. Two what, now?

Nick offerman eating pussy

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NICK OFFERMAN: AMERICAN HAM () – Full Transcript